We don't do that here
They don’t learn from what you tell them.
They learn from what they watch you do. Five things that get taught in our house whether I mean to or not.
Saying sorry to your kid first
is teaching accountability.
When I mess up, I don’t wait for them to bring it up. I name what I did, say I’m sorry for the behavior, and ask, “How can I make this right?” Then I do the thing they asked for. Now they apologize the same way, because that’s the only way they’ve seen it done.
Going to therapy so they don’t have to
is teaching that help isn’t weakness.
I go to therapy, and I don’t hide it. When they ask where I’m going, I tell them. I want them to grow up thinking getting help is just something people do, like going to the dentist.
Doing it differently than it was done to you
is teaching that cycles end.
Some of how I parent is on purpose, because I remember what it felt like the other way. I don’t get it right every time. But the boys get a version of me that’s trying, out loud, and they can see it.
Checking yourself before you check them
is teaching self-control.
Before I correct anything, I ask myself one question: am I reacting to what they did, or to my day? If it’s my day, I breathe first. In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. Then I talk.
Letting them watch you be wrong
is teaching that wrong isn’t the end.
I still say “don’t” when I mean to show them what to do instead. I’m working on it, and they know I’m working on it. Being wrong in front of them is how they learn wrong isn’t the end.
The one page our house runs on.
No allowance. Paid for character. The chore list by age, the good deeds that earn, and the reward menu the boys built. Free, one page, no email.